


Earning Ink

by TWDObsessive



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Memories, POV Daryl Dixon, POV First Person, Subtle Pining, Subtle mentions of underlying Rickyl, Tattoos, Understanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 09:11:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12187125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TWDObsessive/pseuds/TWDObsessive
Summary: Prompt:"Would you consider doing a story incorporating the ‘Mingus’ tattoo & the ‘Norman’ one - I know it’ll never be addressed on the show but curious as to who 'they’ could’ve been to Daryl to have their names tattooed."Thanks to the Tumblr anon who sent me this prompt!





	Earning Ink

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Unbeta'd because it's Daryl first person and was automatically covered in poor grammar anyway!

We’d finally found water after prob’ly two weeks of roaming the back roads aimless. Couple times we’d been walking in circles, I could tell by the trees we passed. No one else never pays no attention to those kind of details so we kept goin’ round. I was so in my own world grievin’ that damn Greene girl, that I didn’t even point it out to Rick. I just kept walkin’, goin’ nowhere. 

Damn kid was right. She told me I’s gonna miss her when she’s gone and damn if I don’t. Feel shitty for some of the stuff I said to her – throwing it in her face that she’d tried to opt out. No excuse for the way I was brooding when she done lost family. I was bein’ selfish. Again. I shoulda learned that lesson by now.

We’d all been exhausted after escapin’ Terminus and Grady Memorial. We didn’t have near enough food and water and everyone’s energy was runnin’ low. We _were_ the walking dead – shufflin’ down the road just lookin’ for somethin’ to eat, barely talkin’. I wasn’t the only one that was hidin’ in silence and vacant stares. We was all hurtin’.

Findin’ the creek was a huge morale boost for everyone. We ate fish that Tara and Eugene caught and drank so much water some of us was pukin’ it all back up. We camped out there by the stream that night, no one talkin’ much about our next steps yet. Me, Rick, Abraham and Carol took turns on watch. Next day was hot as hell and none of us was much up for trekin’ aimlessly through the woods again, ‘specially when we had no plan for where we’s goin’. 

The girls decided to wash off in the creek. We ain’t been able to wash off the dirt and blood and misery in weeks and we all stunk to high heaven. Hard to even smell walkers gettin’ close to us cause of our own damn stink. Even _I_ thought it was a good idea we all take a dip and I don’t never care much about shit like that. 

Throughout the day, folks went down to the water in groups. Rick and I kept watch on either side of the water. Didn’t want no one caught with their pants down. Literally. 

It was late afternoon when everyone had cleaned up but me, Rick, and Judith. We had Glenn and Sasha on watch when we finally went down to feel the cool water on our dry, sunburned, dirt-covered skin. It had been a rough road since the prison fell, one incident after another, always running from one place to the next hoping for safety and finding none. 

We stripped our clothes off, tryin to wash them off in the water first. Then we walked in waist deep with Judith in Rick’s arms, and we started trying to wipe off the past few weeks. I scrubbed my skin so hard it turned red, tryin’ not just to rid myself of the dirt, but of the sorrow, the regret and the anger. Some things ain’t never gonna wash away. Rick washed Judith as I was scrubin’ myself ta death. Lil’ Asskicker was splashin’ and laughin’, tuggin’ at Rick’s beard. She don’t get to laugh much and the sound of it seemed out of place in our dark world. 

I took Judith from Rick once he’d cleaned her up so he could try to remove a few layers of dirt off himself. Frankly, I thought he looked good. All earthy, rugged and manly. Wouldn’t never tell him that though. I looked at Judith without any of the usual babytalk I used ta’ give her in the prison. Again, selfish. I didn’t have no smiles in me for her. I kissed her head and kept my eyes on the treeline around us in case anything got past Glenn and Sasha. I knew my mood was contagious and I wanted to change it. Beth would have wanted that, woulda wanted everyone to be positive and clingin’ to hope like there was actually somethin’ to hope for anymore.

Rick tried to clean himself as good as he could without soap, his overgrown curls drenched and his fingers scrubbing into his full beard. 

“Find anythin’ in there we could use?” I asked, nodding at his beard in a weak attempt at humor. “Canned goods? Ammunition? Squirrel?”

Rick smiled at me as he continued to splash water in his face, running his hand down through that thick beard of his. He looked at Judith and back to me.

“She’s always so good with you,” Rick said as he nodded towards his lil’ girl. “You always been good with kids?”

Made me feel good that he even asked the question. That he thought someone like me was decent enough in the old world to be good with kids. I thought back to my anger at Beth’s question ‘bout me bein’ in jail. I shouldn’t have snapped at her. I’d assume that a’ myself too if I was her.

“She’s just a good kid. That’s all,” I answered, still monotone, exhaustion and loss heavy in the sound of my voice. I knew Rick could hear it.

“She is. She’s glad you’re here, Daryl. I am too. I just wish you weren’t so far away at the same time.”

“Shit on my mind’s all,” I answered. Beth weighed on me. The guilt of letting a kid like her down when I’s there to protect her. She expected to be safe with me and I didn’t move fast enough. Story of my life. 

Rick wrung out his hair and nodded back to the edge of the creek. I handed Judith back and then followed him to the shore. Our clothes was lying out in a sunspot so’s we sat on some rocks buck naked waitin’ for the sun to dry us too. 

Used to hate being seen like that – bare, vulnerable, people seein’ the past all over me. But the luxury of privacy got lost some time between the first biter I seen years ago and now. Prob’ly wouldn’t even have stripped if it were anyone other than Rick. He and me’s got a connection, a closeness that I don’t got and never had with no one else. I feel comfortable with him, so’s I could follow his lead when he took his clothes off to wash.

“The shit that’s on your mind?” Rick asked, “Is it shit that’s already happened? Or shit that’s comin’ next?”

I didn’t meet his eyes cause he sees all the shit I don’t say out loud. Just kept watching the sunlight shimmer on the water. “You know what it is,” I sighed.

“Beth isn’t on you, Daryl,” he said softly as he bounced Judith.

I sat there with my lips tight. “She is. So’s Hershel. Merle. I’ve let everyone down I ever known.”

“Daryl, none of them...none of them are blamin’ you from wherever they are now.”

I laughed. “You think there’s an after? With all this shit on earth? You still believin’ in JC and them pearly white gates? There ain’t nothin’, Rick.”

He shrugged as Judith started to fall asleep in his arms. His eyes were ice blue against all that dark hair he done grown and despite his words, his eyes was as haunted as mine.

“Gotta think there’s a bigger meanin’” he said. I could feel his eyes on me, scrutinizin’. He leaned a bit towards me, tryin’ ta get me to look at him ‘stead of starin’ into the water and seein’ nothin’ but darkness. “Can I ask you a question?” 

“What?”

“Those tattoos – the Norman above your heart, and this one,” he ran a finger up my forearm, “Mingus. Who were they to you? How did they earn that ink? Never heard you talk ‘bout either one.”

I got up to grab lil’ asskickers clothes. They was dry so I helped Rick put on a fresh diaper and dress her. Once all three of us was dressed again and Judith was settled back in Rick’s arms, she fell asleep again in seconds. I left the buttons undone on my shirt and rolled up my sleeves so both the names were seein’ the light of day.

“They was people I knew,’ I answered, finally, as I ran a thumb over the name on my chest.

Rick nodded and leaned back against the bank. “They must have made an impact.”

“You gonna not let this go?” I asked.

“Just be nice to hear more about you.”

“You know plenty.”

“I want to know more,” he said, duckin’ his head to meet my eyes. He hadda way a lookin’ at me and askin’ for things I could help but give. 

I took a deep breath. I ain’t forgotten. That’s why I got the ink, so’s I would never forget. Wouldn’t be a bad thing to say their names out loud again even if it would hurt to remember.

“My ole’ man weren’t no good. You already know that from the scars on my back.”

Rick nodded, staying silent to give me time to get my words together. “Was hell livin’ in that house. I’s fourteen when he died and Merle had just got sent back ta jail. Norman was a guy lived next door to us.”

“He took you in?” Rick prodded after I’d stopped talking and disappeared into my own memories. 

“He took me in lots of times b’fore, too. After I’d have black eyes or whips so bad I’s bleedin’. I’d go over there just to get away from it. He was older. Like, in his twenties which don’t seem old now, but when ya’s just a lil’ kid, that’s old. He used to stitch me up when I needed it. Used to feed me when my ole man went on a bender and didn’t come home for days. Said he had an ole’ man kinda like mine and that he didn’t want to see no one go through what he did. 

“He got married when I’s about seventeen but he didn’t chase me out. Still treated me like a son. Encouraged me with school. Kept me fed, roof over my head. Told me stuff, like I ain’t a nobody and I’s got the potential to be anything I wanted. Said I didn’t have to be my ole’ man’s son. I was Daryl. Was with them til I was twenty.”

After a few minutes of silence, nothin but the babble of the creek and the soft sighs of Judith breathing as she slept, Rick urged me on. “What made ya leave?”

“I didn’t. He died – him and Helen, that was his wife. Car accident. Got the ink after the funeral.” I managed to tell the story without a crack in my voice or a tear in my eye. I didn’t like dumpin’ my emotions all over the place and Rick knew that. But he was Rick. And he had this intense way a’ wantin’ to know me that I couldn’t deny. I liked that he wanted to know me. I liked that I had someone to talk to. 

“Mingus?” he asked.

I hung my head, bit on a nail and leaned back against the bank next to him. I put a gentle hand on Judith’s soft hair and smiled at the little whimpers she made in her sleep. “Norman and Helen had a son shortly after they got married. I took care a’ that kid like’ he’s my own. Treated him good, like the way I wish my Pa would’ve been. Cutest damn kid,” I said with a smile lookin’ back at my memories of him. “He’d follow me ‘round everywhere. He was five when when his folks died. And even though I sometimes got bad grades and occasionally gave them trouble with smokin in school and getting detention, got in a couple fights, they’d always looked at me like family. And they had a will with wishes for me ta have Ming if somethin’ ever happened to ‘em.”

“Wow,” Rick responded. “So…you had a kid?”

I nodded. “Until I didn’t.” The hot sun was beating on my skin but somehow I got chills just thinking about it all again, everything rushing back like flood gates bein’ opened. Rick didn’t ask me no more questions. Gave me time to continue when I’s ready. After a while, I did.

“He was fifteen, I was thirty. Done good by him. Got a job and kept a roof over his head and food on the table. Made him do his homework. Told him he’s good when he needed that reassurance. Never hit him. Never. Never even raised my voice. He was such a good kid. He wasn’t like me – grungy and angry and bitter when I’s his age. He done got raised right. First by Norman and Helen, then by me.”

I looked back at Judith, and Rick handed her to me so’s I’d have a bit of a comfort. I tucked one of my fingers into her little hand and let myself smile at the look of her, peaceful and sleeping. I had a special relationship with both those Grimes kids. Both cause they was Rick’s and I’s indebted to him forever for a million reasons. And because they would remind me of Mingus. And it hurt. And I wanted it to hurt.

I looked back out at the water. “We lived in a shit neighborhood. And we didn’t have a lot of shit, so’s I don’t know why someone wanted to break in. I mean, what’d they think they’s gonna get? A half a bag of potato chips? A well-worn backpack?” I rubbed a thumb over Judith’s knuckles as she squirmed a bit in my arms before falling back into a peaceful sleep.

“Heard a noise in the hall. Thought it was him, Mingus. Growin’ boy. He’d go out to the kitchen in the evenin’ sometimes to grab somethin’ to eat. I was tired that night. Long day at work and I...I didn’t get up to check on him. Selfish. I was tired, just didnt’ want to get out of bed. Selfish.” I didn’t say no more cause I already was carryin’ Beth’s death heavy on my shoulders. I never stopped carrying Mingus’ and the weight of it all was crushing me.

After another silence between us, I continued.

“Two idiots from the the trailer park down the road. They’s armed. Lookin’ for whatever they could pawn for drug money. Mingus – he had a hero complex. He knew ‘bout Norman savin’ me. He looked at me like I’s savin’ him. He’d always try to keep kids from fightin’ at school, tryna talk to ‘em. Keep fists from swingin. He wanted to be a cop. Like you,” I said looking over at Rick. “Bet he was tryin’ ta reason with them.”

Rick’s eyes were filled with tears. I knew they’s for me. Don’t like pity but I like understandin’ and Rick just understood. Understood suddenly why I’s so traumatized by losin’ an innocent teenager like Beth. I was selfish...again. I wasn’t fast enough...again.

“When I heard Ming talkin’ in the livin’ room, I jumped out of bed. By the time I got down the hall I heard the gunshot. The two guys run out and I’s sittin’ there on my livin’ room floor, watchin’ my boy bleed out, tellin’ me he loved me as I’s callin’ 911. He’d grabbed onto my arm right here,” I said, pointing to where the red tattoo was. “I told him I’s sorry. That I should have got up at the noise. That it was my fault. Beggin’ him to hang on. Tellin’ him I loved him. Apologizin’, apologizin. Last words to me was “You didn’t do nothin’ wrong.””

My eyes burned from tears. The memories of Norman and Mingus made me remember that I _did_ believe they was waitin’ somewhere for me. And now Beth was, too.

“When Beth...died. I wasn’t just mournin’ her. I was thinkin’ bout Mingus and how he’d be disappointed that I weren’t no hero. That I let her die on my watch like he did.”

Rick turned towards me and put his hand over Judith’s and mine. “I don’t think he’d feel that way. I think he’d want you to know that you didn’t do nothin’ wrong this time either. Sometimes people just die, Daryl. And there’s nothing you can do to stop it.”

I let myself cry a while. Welcomed the hurt. After wallowin’ in self pity for a bit, I stood up. Rick stood too and offered to take Judith but I declined given’ her up.

“You sorry you asked?” I said as I wiped at my runny nose with the sleeve of my shirt and resituated Judith in my arms.

“No. I’m glad,” Rick answered “You don’t have to do all the heavy lifting. Telling me about them let’s me help you carry some of that weight on your shoulders.” 

I did feel a little lighter after I said their names again, after I let Rick know them. It made them feel real again. Rick had a way...he just always knew what I needed. 

“I like knowing you, Daryl,” he said as we walked back to the road. “I like having a good man by my side.”

It was one of those moments where it felt like more was passin’ between us – not just brothers or friends, or family – somethin’ even stronger. One of these days I’d like to figure out what it is. 

I thought more ‘bout how my tats always made me remember and I decided as our whole group continued walking together as a family, that I’s gonna add a few homemade tatts once we get settled again. Beth. Merle. Hershel. Dale. I didn’t want to forget. Wanted the ink to remind me to always be on alert, to not be selfish and to carry the good from these people I known. 

Beth wanted me to have faith in a future. And her memory will give that to me. Norman wanted me to learn to trust people and to be my own man. Mingus wanted me to know I done good by him and not to blame myself for everything. I couldn’t do _all_ they asked of me, but I could try. I wanted to be that good man everyone saw and with all these lost souls a permanent part of me now, maybe I could be.

**Author's Note:**

> Again- Thanks to the anon who asked for this prompt. It really got my wheels turning. I'm currently posting a long fic (Shadows of War, 1969) and I'm working on my next one, titled The Cure. But in between I'd love getting prompts to see if anything gets my muse moving. You can send them here in comments or find me on Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/twdobsessive


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